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Equine Humor

Near Death Experience
The Talking Dog
The Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage
Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
Murphy's Horse Laws
You Know You Married A Horse Person When...
You Know You're A Horse Person When...

Near Death Experience

I had a near death experience that has changed me forever. The other day, I went horseback riding. Everything was going fine until the horse
started bouncing out of control. I tried with all my might to hang on, but was thrown off. Just when things could not possibly get worse, my foot got caught in the stirrup. When this happened, I fell head first to the ground. My head continued to bounce harder as the horse did not stop or even slow down.

Just as I was giving up hope and losing consciousness, the Wal*Mart manager came and unplugged it. Thank goodness for heros.

The Talking Dog

Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a days training. One says to the other "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come last in every race."

There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said "I know what your problem is. I have seen you race and it looks to me as if you race off at the start really fast and use up all your energy and then you have nothing left. What you should do is pace yourselves and when all the other horses are knackered, put in a spurt and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?"

The horses looked at one another and said "WOW, a talking dog!"

The Top Ten Reasons To Ride Dressage

10. Found ice-fishing too stimulating.
09. I enjoy wearing full formal wear rain or shine.
08. Who wouldn't love spending afternoons riding in circles getting yelled at.
07. Just love subjecting friends and family to my latest equine video spectatular.
06. My chiropractor needs a new car.
05. Wanted to find a place my husband wouldn't go - a.k.a the barn.
04. Had tired of spending cold winters by the fire, and hot summers by the pool.
03. My lawyer wanted me to have 3 judges.
02. Lived for the sport where I could say "Piaffe" to the judges.
01. I had way too much money in my bank account.

Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say

  1. Don't clean out my stall. I adore the smell.
  2. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me.
  3. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam.
  4. I just love traveling in a hot trailer.
  5. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves.
  6. There's room for one more on my back.
  7. I feel like galloping another 20 miles.
  8. Low Branch! Duck!
  9. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down.
  10. Can we do this again tomorrow?

Murphy's Horse Laws

  1. If you do a thorough check of your trailer before hauling, your truck will break down.
  2. There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
  3. No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
  4. The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
  5. A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
  6. Tack you hate never wears out; blankets you hate cannot be destroyed; horses you hate cannot be sold and will outlive you.
  7. Clipper blades will become dull only when the horse is half finished. Clipper motors will quit only when you have the horse's head left to trim.
  8. If you're wondering if you left the water on in the barn, you did. If you're wondering if you latched the pasture gate, you didn't.
  9. One horse isn't enough; two is too many.
  10. If you approach within 50 feet of the barn in your "street clothes," you will get dirty.
  11. You can't push a horse on a lunge line.
  12. If a horse is advertised "under $5,000," you can bet he isn't $2,500.
  13. The number of horses you own increases according to the number of stalls in your barn.
  14. An uncomplicated horse can be ruined with enough schooling.
  15. You can't run a barn without baling twine.
  16. Hoof picks migrate.
  17. Wind velocity increases in direct proportion to how well your hat fits.
  18. There is no such thing as the "right feed."
  19. If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
  20. If you're winning, quit.

You Know You Married A Horse Person When...

  1. You start using her hobby to leverage your own. "Sure I can make you some saddle racks. All I need is a new table saw." 
  2. You find yourself unquestioningly trudging through a sleet storm to feed the show horse that she won't let you ride.
  3. You realize that not only have you become expert in trailer backing, horse grooming, tack cleaning, and giving her a leg up, you can also repeat her riding instructor's comments from her last lesson verbatim. 
  4. You've spent so much time at the boarding stable that people think you're the maintenance man.

You Know You're A Horse Person When...

  1. You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.
  2. You plan your pregnancy around the show season so you can send your horse to your dressage instructor for training during the eighth and ninth months.
  3. You put a gun rack in your pickup truck to carry dressage whips and riding crops.
  4. Everytime you drive past a road construction sight you think what nice jumps the barricades would make.
  5. When your horse gets shoes more often than you.
  6. Your boyfriend complains that you love your horse more then you love him and you answer: "And your point is?"
  7. Your trying to get by a co-worker in a restricted space and instead of saying "excuse me" to him/her, you cluck at them instead. :)
  8. Your secretary does a "hay check" on your suit each morning and your first stop in the office is the ladies room to remove the shavings from your shoes.
  9. Your non-horsy friend gives you a funny look after glancing into the back seat of your car, and you realize he's noticed your whips and spurs.
  10. You say "whoa" to the dog.
  11. You groom your horse and you haven't been to a beautician in?
  12. Your horse gets new shoes more often than you.
  13. You pull change from your pocket at work, and hay falls all over.
  14. Someone says, "Does anyone have a screwdriver?" and you hand them a hoofpick.
  15. You clean your tack after every ride but never ever ever wash the car.
  16. You yell at your kids, and the horse's name pops out.
  17. On rainy days, you organize the tack room, not the house.
  18. Your horse's mane and tail get better care than yours, and it shows.
  19. Your horse gets more compliments for grooming than you do.
  20. You kiss your horse more often than your husband or boyfriend, and enjoy it more.
  21. You've considered moving into the barn, since it is cleaner than the house.
  22. Your horse seems the right choice when you need to talk something out with someone.
  23. You remember worming and vaccination schedules, but not your mother-in-law's birthday.
  24. You find yourself analyzing leg and foot conformation on your friends, and thinking how corrective shoeing could improve their way of going.
  25. You run your tongue over your back molars and idly wonder if they need to be floated.
  26. ALL of your pockets have hay in them.
  27. You talk to the horses like they were kids.
  28. All your stock has 4 legs.
  29. You chirp to, cluck to or spur your truck/car.
  30. You say whoa to your truck/car.
  31. When you known more about equine nutition than human nutrition and it shows.
  32. All of your clothes have horsehair on them, even if they've never been worn to the barn.
  33. You aren't interested in watching the news, but have to, in order to catch the weather, so you know if the barn needs to be left open for the horses.
  34. You trade your nice, nearly-new Suburban for a 1-ton 4x4 pickup, so you can haul hay & straw for the critters.
  35. When your bicycle is mostly used as a bridle and saddle rack.
  36. You spend more on that 6 year old jumper than you've EVER spent on a car!
  37. You go on a diet, not to be more attractive, but to be a better rider.
  38. Co-workers start pointing out green slobber or straw on your clothes. You solution is to start wearing exclusively "hunter green."
  39. Your house is "decorated" with bits, saddles, bridles, halters, blanket racks, trunks, trophies and ribbons.
  40. There are bits soaking in your bathroom sink.
  41. You name your child Misty, Dan Patch, Secretariat, Flicka, Thunderbolt, Mr. Ed, Trigger, Scamper, Seattle Slew, or Buttermilk.
  42. You do stalls the morning before your labor is to be induced.
  43. When the doctor tells you that they have to do a c-section, your first question (much to your spouces horror) is how long will it be until I can ride? (and you are devastated when he says 6 weeks)
  44. When your toddler's first sentence is "mommy go to barn?"
  45. Only horsepeople will spend hundreds of dollars in one weekend for a 99 cent ribbon.
  46. You count how many steps (strides) you take in between the cracks in the sidewalk, the shadows of trees, etc.
  47. You lunge your dog--and she listens!